Dreaming of Cleaning

I was talking to Adam a few days ago when it came to mind that when I had all my pain problems and fatigue that the doctors either ignored or put down to depression, the one thing they all did was to put me on to Amitriptyline, in the 80’s that was the favored drug for depression, these days it is used as part of the pain control system and that is why I am on it now. I can see now why they kept telling me I was depressed as once on the drugs I felt better, I felt better because the pain was under some control, not because they had cured my non existent depression. It was one of those light bulb moments, two thing clicked together in my mind and suddenly made sense. Things like that happen from time to time, look back isn’t something I do a lot, when I am on my own it is more frequent that the past appears through conversation, or due to a TV program, but it is always relief to find an answer even 20 or 30 years later.

Time and time again people talk to me about living with pain and how I manage it, and how I feel having to live with it. Strangely in my quite moments it isn’t the pain that I focus on, it is my inability to do what I want, when I want. All the drugs I take do help a lot with controlling the pain and it really is a fact that most of the time it is a dull ache, unless the spasms start and them I know all about it, just as it was years ago before they gave me my first cocktail. Drugs help with the background or constant pain if you like, those sudden attacks, and I use that word to it’s fullest, there is nothing that helps, or at least not that they have given me. The majority of the time I live with pain that I can’t get rid of, but I will say with total confidence that without the drugs, I doubt I would be writing, as I doubt I would be able to do anything. As it is now, well I can live with it, I just wish I didn’t have to.

Pain is only part of my life as I said to be honest if I could bring back something I have lost it would be my mobility and fatigue that I would fix first. To have enough energy and ability to just clean the house, even slowly would mean the world to me. If I could turn the clock back even 5yrs, when I was already housebound, but I could do all the daily things I needed and wanted to do, that would be my greatest wish! I know most people dream of getting rid of the housework but we are all different and that really is my wish if I found a Gennie. The less you can do the more the small things become important, I know some will think I would be more likely to have said that I would want to be able to get out of my house, but that involves so many small wishes, to get to the final big one, it is a huge wish, so huge that I would in fact be wishing to be totally well again. A nice thought but not one that will ever happen, small steps are more realistic. I am not sure what the pain clinic will be able to do for me, but pain or not, it won’t be enough to give me back my freedom, as pain is not the only problem, it is just one of many.

More Transitions to deal with.

Last night there was a really rare occurrence, Adam and I had an argument. We have had in our 14 years together very few arguments or even cross words, although others around us frequently have thought otherwise. Our relationship has always had a snipping context to it, one line comments that have no possible answers to them, or if possible to answer, it is with another one line comment. Unless you have ever had a friendship which is like that, it is hard to explain that we are really playing a complex game, the rules of which have been laid down over the years and others can’t just join into without getting it wrong. So when last night I found myself constantly explaining how I felt and what I meant it was all rather strained and odd.

To call it an argument I know is wrong it was more a need for action without causing offense. It stems from one of the biggest differences there is between us and that is our individual views on how often housework is needed to be carried out and whether it actually matters if it isn’t done.

I have always been houseproud, not a word that I really like but it best describes how I like my home to be. I have always kept my home as Adam would describe it, as ready for the Queen to pop in for coffee. I would say ready to have a photos taken of without embarrassment. I hate being able to see dust sitting on anything or dirt at a level it is obvious. This time of year is horrid in that respect as suddenly after months of low light levels and closed curtains, suddenly there is the bright clear light of spring filling each room and here is the crunch not shinning back off every object it touches. Our home is full of highly polished object, chrome, silver and crystal is visible where ever you go and all of it should do one thing, shine. Add a vale of dirt or dust and it fails in one of it’s primary roles. The warm weather of the past few days had seen me spending more time in rooms actually filled with light, meaning more time to feel dismay at the state of my home. My world is small and to see all of it deformed by lack of care hurts deeply. Action was needed.

Yesterday morning before Jake came round I started to find out what it would cost to have a cleaner come here to just sort out what I couldn’t do and what Adam didn’t want to do. When Jake arrived he made a comment about the state of things, I have known him for over 20 years so he knows me well and he knows how I like my home. By the time Adam came home, slightly later than normal, I was already slowly passing steam from my ears, what followed was inevitable.

We passed the conversation back and forward, throwing one liners that changed on my part to cutting comments mixed with tears, frustration, emotions and begging. He sat silent as he does at times then simply said ‘I suppose I could try to do an hour a day after work’. He then got up and without another word went off and started with some much needed basic housework. I didn’t actually feel any better because here is what the whole thing was really about. I knew we can’t afford a cleaner, what money we have is much needed for the basics of living, I rarely ever ask Adam to do things for me. Usually I struggle silently unless he notices and offers help, to ask for help isn’t a sign of weakness or anything else that you might think it is. No asking for help is changing his role in my head from husband, to carer. I don’t want him to be my carer, I want him to remain my husband, my friend, my companion and nothing else. At times I have already had to let him step over the line in my head, I have had to accept him doing things for me so personal and embarrassing that I wouldn’t want to ask anyone for help with, but there has been no other way.

This is one hurdle that although I have clearly seen it ahead I have managed to keep my distance from. It is harder than any other hurdle that MS has presented to actually cross over. He has told me repeatedly that it isn’t a problem, that it is the way things are and that he doesn’t see it as him being my carer, it’s just part of what being my husband, requires. He can tell me that a million times but I still can’t or don’t want to accept it. I accept that in time I will have to but this transition stage is a hard one, as my self image along with his, are what have to change in my mind. The time for that change has to start now but I still don’t want to make it.