Reaching into the dark

About midday yesterday I started to cry, I cried at everything and my emotions are still a little raw. I’m not sure where it came from and why it started, but at every slightly touching moment or sad moment on TV tears ran down my face. I guess I just needed to. Sometimes I think that is all it is as there really is nothing behind it, I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel happy, I just needed to cry and I did again and again and I think it still needs to come out all over again. I think we all bottle things up and then the trigger happens, usually nothing to do with what we are thinking or feeling at the time and we cry. Adam picked up on the phone at lunchtime that something was wrong, but I didn’t explain or admit anything, as I was hoping it would have gone before he came home, then the damned TV did it again, a touching moment of a fathers acceptance of his sons deafness and I cried. The odd one escaped over the evening and flooded again when I went to bed and I was alone to let them run. I have often wondered if things like this happen because we are still at heart wild creatures who’s lives have been over simplified and made too easy. Is it just those feelings of fighting and surviving left with no where to go, so they explode out of us whether we want them too or not, be it tears or anger, and we are left wondering where that all came from and why now. Think about it, we are one of the first generations, who haven’t had to deal with hunger, war or diseases in the way others have. We have a world that is so simply laid out for us and there is little for us to fight for or die from. We all live lives that we were not created to, so where can all that instinct, that fight and that energy go. Sometimes I think my Mother was right when she used to dismiss me with the words “you think too much”, but how can anyone not think?

I woke this morning little changed from yesterday and I guess that I will head to not only once again sleep this afternoon but also early tonight, 9pm has become normal now as my disappearing time. Adam has learned to read me so well that he is usually on his feet before I am, heading off to the bedroom to collect his dressing gown before I have the words even out. It means I see so little of him, and that I don’t like, but I have no choice, I am not a night creature any longer and that is a fact I have to accept. My temperature control is still off by a mile I am cold then I’m hot and I never seem to be just right, may be Adam is right that this is all my hormones and I am going through the change, who knows. I wish you could just demand a battery of tests and get a complete read out of how your body is and what is happening at that exact moment. I suppose that day will come when some clever clog will develop an app and the last secrets of life will be undone.

Yesterday also brought me an afternoon where the pressure sensation I have been living with under my ribs finally turned in to pain, it wasn’t screamingly bad just pain. So now I have pain from just under my bust line to my waist, like a strange girdle around the from of my body, and when I went to bed last night and laid down, I felt it also in my back, but not until I was lying on it. Day by day it seems to be changing and causing me more and more discomfort as it does. Eat more than a small portion and there is sharp cramping in my stomach, almost as though it can’t empty as something is stopping it move, so it tries harder and harder to get rid. When I showered yesterday I once again stood on the scales and once again despite my over eating that I have lost more weight. It is going down every week and the only thing that I am left concluding is that I am not absorbing what I eat fully. I had that one clue months ago when a tablet passed through me whole and that is about the time my weight noticeable started to change. On the good side thought I don’t feel like a landed Walrus any longer, just a rather large Wale. It’s actually not even that bad, but when you have lived your life as a size 10 everything above just seems wrong. There is nothing about it that I can change for now, I just have to track what is happening and try work out what is behind it, well the medics are taking so long about it that I sort of feel that it is down to me to work it out. Oh how I love our NHS.

Finding the hope

I seem to be spending a lot of time crying just now, not something I want to do but something that I have to do. I am not normally the type of person who wallows in self pity, but to be honest it is more grief than pity. I have for to long been convincing myself that I carried off an award worthy act of everything is OK, this is my reaction to learning that my act was fooling few and some not at all. As creatures we really do think to highly of our abilities to fool the world, when in fact the only person we are truly fooling is ourselves, well that broke down, so what the world moves on and this is a new day. See I can say it, do I believe it, well yes and no. I believe it in that it is a fact, but I don’t believe it, when the tears start again.

I have had some wonderful comments and messages both here and on Twitter and I thank all of you for what you have said and if any of you doubted that I would rip the pain from inside me and slam it down in words, well I hope you have lost those doubt, there is nothing that I won’t pass on to those who will read, otherwise what would be the point of doing any of this. This is day three of trying to put myself back together and I am getting there, yes there are still tears but there is also a relief that I have at last been forced to look at myself as I am now and put to bed the idea that I can some how claw my way back to who I was just 2 or 3 years ago, if not who I was 10 yrs ago. It is the old me that I am grieving for because I now see she has truly gone and can never return. This stage of my illness is a hard one and I doubt if it will be the last time that I put myself through this, yes I do realise it is me that is the root of this, not anyone else, everyone else saw the truth and politely worked with it.

It is mad how much we can upset ourselves, and how much of our lives is spent trying to hide from what all other know. The simplest example of one we all do it the kidding ourselves daily when we look in the mirror to the fact we are growing older or that we have put on some weight, I was kidding myself about everything. I know I had written before about loss of concentration and so on before but I had sugar coated it, the stark reality was to hard for me to take, so I built a world that let me ignore it and hid. I am now standing outside that world and facing the one that everyone can see and has listened to for years.

I accepted years ago that I can’t escape this house, that this is the space I have to live in and there is nothing else available to me. Now I am having to accept that I can’t escape this body or mind either, there is nothing else available. I have cried less this morning and I feel stronger in myself, more able to see a way through if you like. Today has started with a more positive feel to it, a feeling of being myself who ever that is, but I suppose it might not be as bad as I feared, after all I don’t actually have much of a choice do I.