Spin off

Yesterday I had no choice in what I wanted to write about, when pain engulfs you like that there is no way to make you brain think of anything else. It is like you have moved into a bubble that excludes you from the rest of the world, even from the room you are sat in, and there you sit until it lets you go. Although my morning was terrible, but by the afternoon it had eased and although I had no strength or energy I was just so pleased that I could actually do the simplest things like breath without pain. I didn’t get all they way through the day without it as a milder period appeared at about 8:30, this time it started on my left side just below my ribs, being so tired I just went to bed with my blanket switched on. I lay there allowing the warmth to soak through me, I do find that it sometimes helps just as it did years ago with period pains. The good news is so far today there has been no pain! I made sure that my portion of porridge was on the small side, not tiny or anything silly like that but smaller than yesterday. I don’t know if it makes a difference but anything is worth a try. There is one thing that I can never get my head around and that is how can I be on such high doses of morphine, antispasmodics and nerve calming drugs and I can still be in that much pain? I really would have put it at around level 7 and 9 as there where peaks, the don’t last long and settle down quickly.

What I didn’t write about yesterday is what that pain does to everything else, like a lot of things they seem to trigger each other. As an example my balance was effected and walking was more interesting shall we say. I found that I was holding onto more things and being extremely careful when I had to cross and area where there was nothing to hold on to. Simple things like changing direction, become danger zones, you have to think about what you are doing and how you are doing it. The fatigue also travels through areas where there are no spasms. Apart from my balance being more out of line than normal, I also have to contend with the my leg muscles being heavy and sluggish, faster to tire and cooperating less and less in the process of getting me around. When typing I had to keep stopping and starting, as the muscles in my forearms just gave up, they don’t want to support or allow the movement of my hands and figures, so they gave in and stopped, forcing me to rest and wait until they were ready for the next few sentences. Sentences where another more than normal thing to deal with, clearly I was distracted by the pain and trying to write my other blog was impossible, I couldn’t make myself think of anything else but how my body was, there was an imagination and descriptive block, even on this blog I was very aware that the flow and the whole process wasn’t anywhere near normal.

We all know when you are ill that your whole body takes the toll, having a really bad cold can cause you to ache all over, well there is no difference when you have MS, something being wrong in one area, pulls down and upsets others. It is easy to look at the list of symptoms and see them as isolated, that you will have them at some point, on some occasions a few at a time, but the truth is you can have all of them and more. Yes I do mean more, not everything that happens are on those lists and by writing and others reading, I have that proof as I am constantly being told “I have that too”. Most who say that to me are relieved as they were wondering around thinking it was just them or it was something else, a new illness that they haven’t so far been diagnosed with. Well if you have MS, Fibro and all the other named conditions I have relax it isn’t just you!

Listening but unable to oblige

Late yesterday Adam discovered we had had some mail in the morning and there was a letter for me, it was from the hospital and it was a letter which I have never seen the like of before, nor has Adam and he works in the record department. The letter said they had written to me to arrange an appointment and that this was my final chance to contact them regarding the appointment they had arranged for me. I have had no letter from anyone as you all know, on top of that it is from the hospital I asked not to go to. If I believe it, it sounds as though there is supposed to be a letter that has gone missing. Neither of us actually believe it, so Adam is going to do something a little sneaky, he is gong to phone then on Monday on my behalf not really telling a lie, he is just leaving out the part that he is my husband, he is simply going to say who he is as far as his job title, to see what they say. I really can’t believe the mess and the problems of getting what should be simple hospital appointment.

During the day my arm remained more than annoying but late on last night I found myself sitting on the settee in floods of tears due to my left arm, the sensation had increased as the day went on, I still could call it pain but I had lost all ability to find any position where I wasn’t being driven mad by it. When it became really intense I had this feeling that I had to squeeze it tightly, but my hands weren’t big enough and I wanted the pressure in two different places. I remembered there was a ‘tubie-grip’ bandage normally used for sprains in the medical cabinet, so I put that on over a 10 inch area with my elbow in the middle and grasped my wrist as tight as I could and it helped. Slowly over the next hour it lessened enough for me to go to bed, I had had a couple of extra Gins last night as well because of it, and the combination of that and the bandage I slept. I woke this morning to be still very aware of it but once again at a level that I could bare it, I took the bandage off, but within 10 mins it was back on. I really don’t understand this or why it wants pressure or how it is helping, this is really a new one on me. I don’t need to be a Doctor to know that something is happening to the nerves in my entire arm but what to do to relieve it and make life easier I an at a lose. Any suggestions welcome!

I have to say it has made me wonder if I bought some pressure stockings if they might help with some of the pain in my legs, it might also help with the fluid retention. This morning I have found one of my left wrist braces, Typing with it on is not easy, so I am going to try and wear it when I am not typing long sections like this, to see if that will ease it a little. I have this silly image of slowly covering myself with bandages and splints just to be able to sit on a chair. All though the bandage and brace are helping, my left hand over the past couple of days has been going down hill rapidly, what ever is happening in my arm I would say is a side effect or a part of my hand once again returning to useless, it has been slowly weakening over the last couple of months and having lost it before so I recognise some of the symptoms. Last night at one point although I could move it and it was work, I found myself guarding it and not wanting to use it, I actually found myself at one point standing in the kitchen trying to pour a Gin and Tonic with one hand again, I haven’t had to do that one for several years. There is the constant feeling that it doesn’t want to work it’s a little odd, but it is heavy and just like it needs this pressure it is also asking not to do anything. I always listen to my body but it is asking what isn’t really a possibility that I can oblige, two hands in general are needed, especially when so much else of my body doesn’t work either.