Valentines

Thursday morning, another week heading off to an end, and yes I do know it is Valentines day. To me it is one of those over hyped days that is due only one thought ‘forget it!’ I really don’t get the worlds desire to follow like sheep and spend money or things that no one actually needs, if you want to tell someone you love that you love them, then just say it, everyday! I just realised how grumpy those opening sentences sound, I’m not grumpy just making a point, because I can. Love is incredibly important to all of us but I think it takes on a new importance and validation when you are chronically ill. Although Adam and I make a point of saying “I love you” several times each day, and although I smile and feel lifted by the words I know in my heart just how much he loves me, without any words at all. He is still here!

I have read so many blogs of others who like me, have a chronic illness, where the writer is totally alone. Their partners simply couldn’t ‘cope’ with them being ill. No matter how it is worded or what the excuse attached, I personally just can’t see anything but a person who has had their love challenged and it came up short, they didn’t really love partner, it was just a convenient way to live and when that convenience became anything but, they have left, there was no depth to their love. That may be a sweeping way of dealing with all the reasons they gave, but I always come back to that core point, they didn’t love them. If you truly love someone, I can only think of just a handful of reason why ending a marriage would be the right thing to do.

I have tried many many times to put myself into Adams shoes and see what he is feeling and going through because of my illness, and I have in the past written in detail how he took the initial news and how he went through a long and painful adjustment. But he went through it and he stayed, he has told me that he never thought of leaving, he loves me and he had married me. My illness was all part of the deal, all be it not one either of us expected. I know in myself if it had been the other way round, I wouldn’t have questioned looking after him, just like Adam I would have seen it as a totally unfair thing to happen to us, but never a reason to leave.

If you are lucky enough to have the love of someone who truly loves you, it does clearly make living with chronic illness much easier. Just knowing that they are going to be there with you throughout what ever is going to happen in the future, give you an amazing strength to call on when needed. Although so far there have been few times that I have physically needed him to just hold me, while I went through bad spasms which have debilitated me totally. Having him supporting me physically was boosted beyond that, as I couldn’t only feel his arms, I felt his love and that gave me just that bit more belief that I can survive all of this with him by my side. My body lets me down frequently and when any of the list of embarrassing things that I don’t like happening when I am alone, happen when he is here, he just takes it in his stride and assists where needed with no sign of disgust or reluctance to help me. If I try to stop him he answers the same thing every time, that he is my husband and it is his job as such to do these things. It is hard for me to imagine the rest of my life without him and when ever we talk about the inevitable end stages he clearly doesn’t even want to think about it, far less talk about it.

So it is Valentines day, so what. It’s Valentines day every day when you have unquestioning and unlimited love by your side, in your life and in your heart.

The nature to cope

I have always been of the nature were I put others before myself and don’t shout about doing so normally, but I have brought it up today as I have come up with another of my theories. It wasn’t through thinking about illness that brought me to start thinking not was it something I set out to do, it was simply a train of thought that appeared and continued, I’ve always had one of those annoying brains that can’t think of nothing, nor does it like to be doing just one thing, this all started while watching ‘Silent Witness’ last night and as you will see it has little to do with the program.

There is a section of people who no matter what is around them or what their upbringing, education or circumstances, find themselves unable to ignore the plight of others. People who will always put others first, I remember years ago seeing in the distance a man lying with his head and shoulders in the road, cars were actually driving round him, but not one stopped to see if he was OK. I ran, as I could back then, to get to him and I stepped into the road, where the traffic was to ensure he wasn’t hit. It was clear when I was closer that he was a vagrant, but he was also a human, almost at the same time as I got there, the police turned up so someone had phoned them, but none had stopped. I know that if the police hadn’t arrived I would have stopped a car to get help for him, as I didn’t have a mobile, I would have stayed until an Ambulance arrived and I wouldn’t have called the police, drunk or not, he was hurt. At that moment he was more important than me, but that is me and I can’t switch that bit off, just as many others can’t. I have always found myself putting others stranger, friend or family ahead of myself, and I am glad I am that type. I can’t count how often I have feed others and gone hungry myself, or bought present that meant I couldn’t heat my home, there was a choice, money only goes so far.

I don’t normally like talking about this side of me as I have never wanted praise or thanks for it, but I mention it now as I said their is one of my theories here. I am wondering if those who take chronic illness in their strides may-be the same as me in this respect. For many years before I could physically no longer deal with it, I always did everything in the house when it came to cleaning and cooking and I went further than most as I wanted to create the perfect world for those I loved. No matter how I felt, their needs came first, so I had to get on with it. Now I can’t actually do a lot of things so I try not to complain about how I feel, as they don’t need to hear it, and I don’t want to distress them, not because I am an exceptional person, but because I have an instinct to protect others. My appearance of being a positive person and dealing well with my illness is right to a point, but I think it is my nature, not my illness, that is in control. There lies my new theory, those who deal well with chronic illness are by nature people who, like me, put others first and see our problem as ours.