A lose of trust

Yesterday evening I discovered that I have been telling myself lies and doing so with great ease and accuracy. This is a little long I know but bare with me as the sequence of events is important. Every second Saturday it has become a tradition in the last few months that we have for dinner garlic bread and different flavors of chicken wings, I went and took them out of the fridge to find that instead of wings there were drumsticks, for the life of me I couldn’t work out why but it seemed logical that ASDA’s had sent a sub although I didn’t remember looking at them when they arrived, I always check subs visually. Despite that I settled that into my mind and called Adam to the kitchen to see if he wanted anything to go along with it and relayed my first lie with ease as I thought it was right. At that point I remembered that I had bought some honey parsnips for myself, my mind then changed the story, that I had intended for Adam to have the larger portion of chicken and I was having parsnips as well, lie number two. After we had eaten there was the blinding second when I remembered what the real truth was, I had bought the drumstick, no substitutes, I had never intended to eat any of them, they were all for Adam as he loves large quantities of meat. The day they arrived I was supposed to have told him that all of the two boxes if chicken along with 2 garlic baguettes where his to eat when ever he wanted and that I was having 2 baguettes and parsnips when I wanted them.

OK that was a long story about nothing on the surface, but the important bit is this. I couldn’t remember the truth or the fact attached to it, so my brain invented a possible sequence of events and fooled me, not once but several times. Each story could have been a possible truth and each time I accepted it without further question as the total and complete truth. I know the final one is right, as when I remembered it was a clear click into place. I can’t help now but wonder how many times I have done this before without the final bit, how many times I lied to myself and worse still, others. Clearly I have invented a way of dealing with the things I know longer remember and I really don’t like that, accuracy and truth are two things I have always held on to tightly. How can I be sure now of either?

I have known for a long time that I now have short term memory gaps and that to me was bad enough, loosing your ability to know what you were actually doing is something I was prepared for to a point. Recently as I have said before I have to check things more and more. I have found myself writing my blog and totally forgetting the subject by the time I go to post it on twitter and so on. I knew long before it got this bad that I would be wondering around not just physically but mentally trying to remember what next, but I wasn’t ready for this story building at all. I really don’t know how to deal with it or what the answer to it is. Short of writing down every single little thing I do and why am doing it, there is no way now of really knowing what my intentions or actions are. I find myself feeling somewhat lost, when you can’t believe what you think is fact, then lost is the only place I can be. I know it clearly hasn’t done me or anyone else any harm but the potential is worrying. My reaction like most people is to want to think about, it work it all out, but how can that truly get me anywhere, I can no longer trust what I think, I am thinking.

Thinking

Last night I deliberately delayed taking my meds as I wanted to be able to locate the source points of my pain, it was a painful experiment but one I though was worth doing I was wrong. I have hoped that without the drugs interfering I would feel clearly what was happening rather than a numbed muddle. the result was a painful muddle. When you are on high levels of painkillers it is always difficult to know what is really happening, it could be that the center to the pain isn’t exactly where you think it is as you have no way of knowing what you are really feeling. It could be the same level through out an area or it could really be a heightened source that is numbed into the mess. Pain is a strange thing that when you live with it it becomes harder and harder to work out what is happening and why, removing the influence of painkillers has helped me in the past, but this time I had no luck, all I found was the pain was wider spread than I thought and it was a lot worse without the meds, so no surprise there then.

Yesterday afternoon I did a lot of reading as I said in yesterdays post I hadn’t realised that the pain I have in my pelvic could be a form of an MS hug, I had for the last few weeks be denying to myself that my MS could have anything to do with my pelvic pain, you see if I admitted that to myself then I was also admitting that I was going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. Lying to myself isn’t something new, I have done that before in the past and I should have learned from that but I didn’t, all I did was to upset myself with false hope that someone would be able to fix it, to stop it, to set me free from yet more pain in my life. Lying to myself is all part of denying things, I know that, but it is regardless of how long I have been ill, it is something I still do and I guess I always will.

My MS started when I was in my early 20’s and although I recognised the pain in my arms and legs were the same thing I had somehow separated the pains in my torso out as something else. Looking back I have had spells of pelvic pain but when they were at there worst before, nothing like they are now, I always put them down to my dancing, I used to dance every night when I was a DJ and I thought that as I wasn’t trained I was simply doing something the wrong way and causing pain, when I got a hernia from carrying all my cases and it appeared that time at the same point as a bout of pain, I had my confirmation in my mind. The bouts that followed where damage from that time, in my mind, but I now see I was wrong. I feel so silly, but I was somehow still holding onto the slight hope that I couldn’t attach MS to one thing. So here I am this morning, numb not to the pain but to life as I have lost the last little area to my pet monster, I have to admit it, MS now does truly have the whole of my body and I have no chance left of anything being free of it. I can’t find one muscle, one joint, one bone that MS and Fibro hasn’t possessed and all I have a head is more pain.

There is nothing above that I didn’t already know in my heart, as I said I knew I was lying to myself but there was a strange comfort in that lie. My future hasn’t changed nor has my past, what has changed in the past few days is simply how I think about it all. Strangely crushed but still with the same strong hope and belief that life is a wonderful thing to be enjoyed through what ever it brings, regardless of how often, for as long as that spark of enjoyment remains.