Forget me and I stop existing

It never ceases to amaze me the reactions we have to things from the past. Those who have been reading not just this blog, but also ‘Touching Space’ which is at the minute not is in hibernation, will have come across my childhood home ‘Friendville’ and also in this blog as well. Equally if you have visited my own Facebook page not my fan page, you will see a picture of ‘Friendville’ at the top of the page. It is a building that from as far back as I can remember my life was linked to and to this date I have this feeling that I have through my heart still some sort of ownership over. About a year ago I found that the house was up for sale again, the 3rd time since my father and mother divorced and the house was sold. I had no pictures of the house so as soon as I knew I went to Google and I searched, only one entry came up, which horrified me. ‘Friendville’ has a great history and is the oldest occupied building in Aberdeen, so to find it missing in every way, sort of shocked me. My goal though of finding the for sale site was successful and I manage to lift not just pictures of the outside but many of the inside too, which to my surprise had little change to it at all. Being a grade B listed building meant that clearly no major changes can be made to the house, but the curtains and carpets were still the ones that my parent added to the house when my Grandfather died in the early 70’s. I couldn’t believe that the asking price for the house was just £1,725,000, but that was what it said. I sort of forgot about it after it still hadn’t sold in by the end of that month, but something prompted me to check yesterday. This Google searhc was totally the opposite of the first, there was entry, after entry, after entry! The house was sold and apparently the sale hit the Scottish News something I don’t watch, but ‘Friendville’ isn’t now just the oldest occupied building in Aberdeen, she is now the most expensive, the final sale went through at just over 3 million, not too surprisingly it wasn’t an individual that made the purchase it now belongs to a company who own many houses of a similar age, look and appeal. They rent them out for weddings, corporate events and even those wanting to holiday there, if you had the money you could even live there, but at $5500 per week, I won’t be there anytime soon.

I found myself split in my feelings part of me was horrified and part of me delighted. To be honest I am still on the edge of emailing them to thank them for giving this wonderful building the profile she deserves, they have listed not just ads for what they do, but on Wikipedia the history a facts about the building, ‘Freindville’ now her space in history is renewed and the opportunity is now there for other to fall in love with what was once my home. None of this will be of any relevance to most of you, but I added it as my history is entangled with this house and always will be. To me it is also a great example of how our pasts can reach all the way to today and change your mood, your outlook and your feeling toward almost everything. I never thought any of the above was going to happen in my life time and I had always said that if I won the lottery, I would buy her, not to live in as I couldn’t, but just to undo the damage done to her by her recent owners, part of the joy of yesterday was this has now actually been done. I feel so much more content with the past, almost as thought it been righted and far more than in just a house, but my childhood as well, forget logic, it’s just the way it is. It has shown me just how much we invest into the place we live, even as children we are tying events to places and knowing those places are loved and looked after, somehow makes our lives safer and more complete, because those places are still there.

I have said for years that being happy is a major thing when it comes to dealing with illness, well my happiness over something so remote has lifted my mood right to this very minute. I don’t always agree that poking around in the past as being a good thing, but then again just sitting looking at pictures in an old family album, can be a wonderful therapy for many people. I have little left of any thing from my childhood so maybe that is why I shifted every part of those years into something less likely to vanish, what ever the reason, that’s where they are. The rest of my life, well that is right here with me in my memory trail, something I haven’t actually been round for a while, I suppose that might be a good idea as I have already noticed, if you don’t use memories they are in danger of vanishing or actually even worse, they muddle themselves into other memories were they never belonged.

Recently I have had a couple of people telling me that I shouldn’t worry about not being able to remember things, I can’t say that I really agree with that. Memory of your life and the things that happened in it are very important, to me saying that memory doesn’t matter is like saying my entire life doesn’t matter. Sorry but I am important and so are you and everyone else in this world. To me my memories are as vital to me as it is for my heart to beat, or my lungs to breath, with out them I am nothing and might as well stop existing right now. Some may think that a little extreme, but think about it carefully and I believe you will start to understand. Once someone dies the only thing there is to confirm they were ever their are the memories of others, so if I forget, if I can’t remember who it was who did something important in my life, who will? I have never been particularity big on the idea of making a memory box, but I am beginning to wonder if it might be a good idea to supplement what I have with one. In a memory box I could at least add notes, put names on to pictures and so on, I haven’t put one together before partly because I don’t have those things like photo’s, cards or small silly things that would normally be in such a box. I have bought pieces of crystal as they allowed me to have something beautiful on display for that reason but behind them often a memory other won’t understand and none now share.

I have often wondered what is the worst thing that MS could do for me, for years I went for the obvious things, like arms and legs being unusable. I shifted that to my eyesight as well if I am paralysed I at least could still take part in life as I have eyesight, my voice and so on. Now I think to be honest it is memory, the more I loose the more I see just how important it is to our existence, as no one exists if it weren’t for the memories of others.

Setting out memories

I woke today for the third time in a couple of weeks with pain in my left foot, especially in three of my toes. I tried again to see if I could find the reason for the pain but I can’t see anything. At least today is Friday so I will ask Adam to take a look for me over the weekend, I am guessing it is nothing more than a couple of toenails requiring attention, but well with the lose of feeling coming and going all the time, it is best to have it checked just in case it turns into something more serious.

Today is a day with a difference, my friend Jake who although I see little of but speak to weekly is actually coming here later. He is looking to change his way of life and get a job that will supply him with a steady income rather than his commission based wages at the minute and he wants help with his CV. I understand his need to change things but I fear that at the minute he is going to find it really hard, with so many out there with experience applying for every job, someone who has never worked in that field isn’t going to get a look in. With him being in his 40’s, I think it is going to be even harder. I have only been out of the business world for just over a year, but I feel so disconnected from it now that I can’t be sure that any advice I can give him will be what companies are really looking for, the business world changes quickly and constantly. I will of course do my best for him and I really hope that he is successful as I would truly like to see him settled into a career that might take him through to retirement age.

Until he asked for my help I hadn’t really thought that much about how fast I had lost contact with what is now my past life. I know I struggled for a while with not having a job and still do in some ways, but what I have proved to myself again just how being able to manage change isn’t just a work requirement of a company manager, but a life requirement of all of us. Mind you I have had a huge amount of experience through out my life of coping with my world being thrown up into the air and then having to pick up the pieces that survive and build around them. I know that it is impossible for the NHS to supply everyone who has a chronic illness with a course on how to manage the news and what is ahead of them, but I see now just how many could really do with help at that point, giving them the foundations for what is ahead.

Early in my blog I wrote about how in the past 10 years I spent money and time building my home in to my sanctuary, how I bought things I found beautiful so that where ever I am sat I see beauty, not empty space as so many modern homes seem to favor. Now I am so glad that I did just that. More and more my memory trail round my home is coming into it’s own, being able to look from item to item and from collection to collection, just remembering, is a great comfort, especially strangely on my foggy days. There may be a fog stopping me from remembering 10 minutes ago, so looking at things that pull me in to memories of years ago, somehow makes me feel better. So the second reason for it’s existence also works, the things I see prompt wonderful connections to the past. I know that many people have memory boxes, but a memory box to me is of limited use, you have to make an effort to sit down with your box and go through it, being around you all the time it constantly keeps things fresh in my mind. Fashion these days is towards homes that are more about ease of cleaning rather than spaces to commemorate our lives and our loves. But I can’t recommend highly enough to anyone who is slowly slipping in the memory department to fill that easy to dust in a swipe space, with what you as a person love. Once locked in doors even partially if not totally, those memories grow in their importance, and beautiful things always make you smile and bring simple enjoyment time and time again.

The ‘beautiful things’ is actually one of the reasons I wish I still had a wage coming in, I still see them from time to time for sale and there is no money to buy. I guess that is why I stay away now from sites like Ebay, they just remind me of what I can’t have, an extra negative that none of us need. I suppose that is another change and one I hadn’t really noticed me doing, I don’t sit looking at websites filled with what I want, when I know I can’t have. Some might say that daydreaming is a good thing, well it is, but daydreaming about something that ultimately will never be possible, is depressing. I don’t understand why people healthy or not put themselves through it, learning to be happy where I am and what I have is essential if I am going to survive with things exactly as they are. It may be for some a tough one, but that is why I say again, while you can buy those things you desire, and do it now, once that front door closes and you are cocooned in your sanctuary, it’s to late to change things then.