There are times when you feel great and totally on the ball, nothing can stop you and life is not live you, but you are living it. Then with crashing realization you note all you have done all day, is screw things up. I though those days were over when I was no longer required to write long complex programs, sitting there happily typing in at speed what I wanted my system to achieve and then realising in horror that an error made just after I started, meant that most of what I had spent my day doing, didn’t work and required huge fixes. I really thought that I was on top of things yesterday, I had my plan set out and everything was slotting together with ease and perfect simplicity. It wasn’t until about 1 o’clock that I realised I had actually spent most of the morning just screwing things up as I so often seem to do these days. I had been happily scheduling twitter posts to wrong dates, ticking things off my to do list when I actually hadn’t done them at all and the things I had done, remained unmarked.
It is far from the first time I have found myself suddenly stopped and pouring back over my day trying to find all the bits I had actually completed and all the things I hadn’t even started on, believe me that is really hard to do. I can’t get to grips on how this happens, why would anyone tick things off as done without even starting it? I have had this problem for years and it always seems to come in these mad spates were everything I do seems to be almost back to front. The biggest problem isn’t any of this above, it is the fact that once I see it I get myself into a spin, almost a mental panic as to what I have and haven’t done that day. The panic is so set that finding my way out of it is extremely difficult, logic doesn’t apply to anything once that chaos button has been struck. All to often the following step is shut down, it is as though my mind freezes and refuses to believe anything it has managed to do, quickly followed by an over riding desire to sleep, it wants to hide from it’s responsibility and sleep is the only way. Even once I had everything back to where it should be, or at least as close as I could be sure, I still remained just needing to sleep. It wasn’t cured by my 2hr siesta, waking on the command of my timer I found nothing had changed and in someways were worse. I remained for the rest of the day partially in the world of the zombie and partially lost in denial of my own stupidity. Accepting that you can so totally convince yourself that what you are doing is right, when to anyone else is clearly wrong, is really hard to accept, I simply don’t make the links between different actions. A tick in the wrong place is as good as one in the right place, isn’t it? That feeling that you have lost control and not noticed is scary, we all believe we control our lives and loosing the control over minor things, opens up millions of questions over the major things. What else had I missed? What had I done that I have to fix now before it’s effect grows to disaster stage? In many ways it is as terrifying as those moments when something small has been moved and I go into panic as I have lost my bearings and no longer know where I am, the difference here is I am lost in my mind. Like many things over time I settle again but always with this shadow of the feeling hanging over me for the rest of the day. I woke exhausted and remained exhausted, giving in at 8:30 pm and asleep in minutes of lying down. I lay there only long enough to check my body over as I do most nights, trying to make those mental notes as to what was hurting, what was annoying and how well I could breath, no great change from the night before.
This morning started out OK but crashed into the ground when I suddenly remembers that I hadn’t checked the electricity bill. I always have had a tight grasp on what we spend on heating the house and in all gas and electric cost across the board, so to open it and see they wanted to increase my payments form £73 to £220 a month, well I nearly died on the spot. I actually expected our bills to have gone down as I had kept the heaters on a lower level than ever before and as you know the curtains are still closed for the greater part of the 24 hrs. Luckily I spotted straight away what was wrong, as they were only charging £36 for 4 months of night time use, with everything else bundled into the day usage. I opened the bill form last year covering the same period and nearly 3000 units had moved into the daytime and off the nighttime, our meter isn’t working! My phone call to the company was great, I was stunned at how easy it was and how they totally agreed with me there is a problem and my reasoning matches theirs. They are sending someone to the house on the 10th June and have returned my monthly payments to just £73 until we get to the route of the fault. The 15 minutes on the phone, with no waiting time at all, just seemed all to easy and all to much as thought this will be fixed without any problem. I find that kind of unlikely, I hope it is that way but life has taught me it is rarely that way at all. Time will tell I know but I am already getting ready for the fight as to how they rectify the payments.
Two Rooms Plus Utilities 