A great day

I had a really great day with Teressa yesterday and like a lot of things in life, it was over all too quickly. My guesstimate on the time she would actually arrive was almost spot on, so I managed to have all that I wanted to do before the doorbell rang. As always when she came through the door I had my normal reaction to her height, it doesn’t seem to matter how often I see her as an adult I will never get used to the fact that she is so tall, which kind of makes her childhood nickname of ‘midget’ all the more ironic.

We spent the first couple of hours talking about my health and her wedding which I, of course, have loads of things that I can’t write in her yet. The actual date seems to be the thing that is holding back on completion of the day, until all the paperwork is in order in the US and here in the UK for John to return here on the correct visa, that can’t be set, they hope to know by the end of this month if the present date of the Jan 24th will actually be the day, or if it all has to be changed. She has managed to arrange most of it with the elastic date, the venue has even been happy to allow for this but if it has to be changed, they will probably have to go with the day the venue has available more than the date the want it to be, but they are happy to go with that. I wish I could put more in here about the plans but well secrets are all part of planning a wedding, all I will say is that not just because she is my daughter but because it is true, she is going to look amazing on her wedding day as she had brought some picture to show me.

We, of course, spoke about her fiance John, but I realised later that I had actually not asked one of the questions I expect most parents would have about him. I really didn’t ask about his background or work or any of those things and it wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, it was simply because none of those things mean anything to me, I just wanted to see in my daughter’s eyes that she loved him as much as I thought she did and that she was sure about what she was about to do, those questions were answered without being asked. When you see your own child happy and set with confidence on their chosen route what more can any parent ask, her happiness shone from her. The afternoon was a total mix of general chat and silences as I lost track, again and again, I found myself constantly apologising and Teressa spent just as much time telling me not to. It is really hard even though she is my daughter to not apologise to someone who you know isn’t used to being around you for long periods of time.

At about 4:30 I suggested we had a gin and tonic, yes I needed a little Dutch courage which as I expected was found about half way down the glass. I was as I suspected right, not totally, but yes she had returned to the UK as she was worried that something might happen to me and she wouldn’t be here, close enough to come and see me. The discussion circled through different areas but her words were as filled with feeling as mine were, I already knew that part of her return here was because of the job offer from Sega UK. Almost as soon as they made her redundant in the US they offered her a promotion and all travel expenses to come to the UK, but I also knew she had been thinking of coming home before that offer was made. My health had had a bearing on her decision to accept the offer, I am still not sure how to feel about that, honored is probably the closest description, but I made her promise me that should any opportunity arise in the future that she isn’t to consider me above what it offers as I want her to live her life to the fullest, as well you never know when something can change so dramatically that you might not be able to do it later.

By the time Adam came home the tears were cleared and we had said what we both needed to say as I wasn’t the only one who had things that needed to be said, she had many things she needed to confirm to me and I suppose explain her feelings. It isn’t often in life that we take the time to go into difficult things to talk about, but it is I think good to do so rather than just let them stay silent. The impact of MS is so cruel on those around you, and the only regret I have in my life is one I can never change and that is the impact on those around you. It also leaves me with a guilt that I will never be able to stop feeling for the knock on effect is uncontrollable, as I said to Teressa yesterday in some ways for me it is harder to watch the lives of other being changed around me than it is to live with it at times.

We spent the last few hours the three of us talking again about the wedding and enjoying a now rare treat of a Chinese meal, which I paid for later in the stomach cramps from hell as I was trying to go to sleep. I made it through yesterday without an afternoon sleep, but I have to admit to being over tired today. Just as going out has a knock on effect, so does having a visitor regardless of how welcome they are. I was glad that Adam come home when he did as I could relax more, not feeling that I had to talk all the time and he supplied me with gaps to compile my thoughts slower before speaking. We had a really good day and I was sorry when she had to go but there was an hour long train journey until she was back to where she was staying. I didn’t go to bed the second she went as I wanted to also spend sometime’s with my husband and talk through the day, but about an hour later I went to my bed. Today, well I am really glad I asked what I needed to know and I am at peace with the answers as well.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 02/11/2012 – A great day

I had a really great day with Teressa yesterday and like a lot of things in life, it was over all too quickly. My guesstimate on the time she would actually arrive was almost spot on, so I managed to have all that I wanted to do before the doorbell rang. As always when she came through the door I had my normal reaction……

Learing into the Future

Sometimes I am not as quick on picking up on something as I like to think I am. Strangely this has been on of my beliefs for many years but I realise that it is actually as important to surviving chronic illness, as my belief that you have to keep achieving, for those who don’t want to write or don’t have the space or funds to set up a hobby that requires more component than a PC or paper, at the very list this is something all can do and I did without meaning to. I have mentioned a few times in the past that I have learned a lot in the past few years, not just about surviving illness and how to adapt to a different type of life, but I have learned a lot about history as I have a love of documentaries. I believe strongly that keeping your mind active is important, but it is more than that, I hadn’t realised as it was something I do without thinking, I have been turning my mind to learning and unlike school I am learning what I am interested in. With so much on TV all day long and the sky box to record what is on while I sleep to watch during the day, makes it free and so easy to do.

The strange thing is that when I was at school learning felt like hard work, but when you are doing it because you want to, it is very different. I know a lot of people might think what is the point, well I can see that, it isn’t as though by learning I will be able to get a better paid job or even a job at all, but what it is, is a way of expanding an interest, now that I have the time and the chance to do it. I have found that by making myself watch the odd program that I didn’t think I would like, has also formed new interests that I would never have considered before, notably the second world war. All my life I had been avoiding anything involving it now I don’t think there is a program that I haven’t seen. Although my body has let me down somewhat and even my brain isn’t as sharp as it was once, I still have enough left to work on keeping it learning and keeping it active. That is why as I have mentioned before I worry when I find myself staring into space with nothing in my mind at all, I have never had a mind that stood still long enough to be staring in to space.

Learning is as much achieving as sitting here writing is and I think is just as important. Keeping my mind busy isn’t about avoiding thinking about what is happening to me, but it does stop me dwelling on what I can’t change. It does also give me interests to fill the gaps I would have spent years ago going out, working and doing housework. I believe 100% that if I had done what many think of as the normal journey of slipping into sitting on the settee watching day time bubble gum TV, I would be in a very different state, I believe that I would have been in the state that I fear most, a half human zombie. I am constantly asked how do I stay positive, well this is probably part of the answer, the combination of my natural attitude, achieving, learning and still growing as a person. I am still developing who I am, as long as I am move into new areas, still enjoying discovery of what I didn’t know before, what have I to be depressed about. Life after all is about learning and moving onward, not about looking backwards and wishing what is, isn’t.