Why should I be depressed?

I am constantly been told and reading that as I have been totally housebound for over 4 years, that I should and must be depressed, sitting in the corner of my settee not responding to everything around me. When the nurse from the Rehab team was here she was astounded that I was so together and so with it. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me? In many ways this has become one of the most calm and happy times in my life, without the pressures of everyday life constantly hammering at me. There is actually a feeling of peace and contentment with my life that I never had before.

When I was diagnosed with RPMS I thought that the only path now open to me was just as I described above. I had a glimpse of where things will eventually be, before I had the Mitoxantrone, I saw then a person sat motionless, locked inside a body that didn’t work and not caring, a person who was just waiting her time for release. I was pulled back from that point, not just me, but everyone saw the change it made and I pulled myself back to not my actual feet, but the emotional ones and started back on the normal path everyone walks.

It was never a conscious decision, or a something I felt any time was spent thinking about, I simply grabbed on and rejoined the roller coaster. I for some reason have never seen my home as a prison, which is what I am told other who are housebound feel, it may be because I spent all my spare time and energy building a place I love, I’m not sure. Every room has beautiful things to look at, so even if I am stuck unable to change my position, my view will be a lovely one. There is nothing in my home that I hate and want to get rid of, little that causes pain or longing and rarely items that annoy me. Yes I have spent time and energy planning what will happen, but I can still do that just now, I don’t have the luxury of doing it later. Later is a space I am avoiding as long as I can. Maybe that is why I am happy to be here in my personal cocoon, I live my life for the now, not for tomorrow.

I can only think that my decision to accept what I had to and fight what I could, has lead me to being able to find happiness without venturing outside. Just for a minute, imagine that your life ahead of you is never ending Sundays, no need to get dresses or put your makeup on, no need to rush around sorting out other peoples lives. A space within which you have built a nest, which without to many others within is a sanctuary for your mind, calm and beautiful. You can still view the world thorough your PC and TV, you can talk to people on the phone and none can see you haven’t brushed your hair after your nap. Does this sound like a place you would hate or one that you could embrace, accept and be contented in? Does this not sound like a place where you could work on living rather than dieing?

Optimist of Pessimist?

I realised today while chatting with a friend that we all make assumptions when it comes to our own and others health. She know that I have MS and had assumed that I have relapse remitting just as she does, I don’t I have relapse progressive, for those who don’t know there are several variations with in the Multiple Sclerosis family. The most common is relapse remitting which kind of does what it says on the tin, bad spells called relapses followed by spells were you either recover totally or most of the way back to normal. That’s were mine is different I don’t get better, some of the way but always worse than before the relapse.

‘RRMS’ has several medications available and is the easiest to control but still not a nice thing to have. ‘RPMS’ has a more limited range of treatment and I have already had the most aggressive one possible, maitotoxin which is a form of chemotherapy. It’s kind of strange watching people gown up with thick gloves, aprons, glasses and so on to prepare what they described as a highly caustic blue liquid, then attaching a tube to you and let the stuff flow slowly into you. It made a huge change, it brought me back to a much improved state and slowed things down for a long time. It can badly damage your heat though so they will only give it once.

When my friend said that she thought I had the milder form I realised that we always do that. Assume someone else has the best possible outcome, but when it comes to ourselves we assume it is the worst possible. I know I have done this several times in my life, in my head I have had several terminal conditions but if someone I know is really ill in my head they will get better, they don’t always. Which prompts my question, are we all pessimists about ourselves and optimist about other?