The Wedding Photo’s

I have just received a couple of pictures I wanted to share of my beautiful daughter and my new son in law on their wedding day.

CAKE 1

CAKE 2

The visit

Everything is in shortened versions today as Teressa and her fiance will be here today so that Adam and I can meet John before the wedding. Adam miss read her Facebook on Saturday and gained the impression that they wouldn’t be driving up until Sunday rather than on the planned Saturday, so after I went to bed he thought he would take all the covers off the settees and wash them. The phone range at around 10:30 yesterday morning, it was Teressa saying she was here and could John and her come round yesterday. I knew it would happen the second that I saw the dismantled state of the living room, all I could do was apologise and ask them to come today instead. So they are both going to the registers office in Dunbarton this morning then coming over here, we can then spend the afternoon together. They are going to spend the rest of the day here, staying for dinner so that Adam is included and then heading back to her step brothers house. I doubt I will see them again before the live streaming of the big day on Thursday, as they still have a lot of bits and pieces to get sorted out before then.

It is kind of odd sitting here at the minute not only knowing that my daughter will be here in a few hours but that I am also going to be meeting for the first time someone she is involved with, I really haven’t ever met any of her boyfriends and I think I spoke to her first husband once. I think thanks to that and her living all over the world means my little girl has somehow remained my little girl in my head, she is nothing of the sort. She is about 4 inches taller than me and John is about another 4 inches more above her, so it’s a day of feeling tiny at my 5ft 8in mark. Teressa and I are incredibly alike and if she likes him I know that I will as our sense of humor and likes and dislikes match rather closely, but of course I will bring you all up to date on that tomorrow.

I woke early this morning, not because I was planning to be but I woke as for some strange reason I had flung my right arm out of the bed and it must have been there rather a long time as it was cold and dead, I couldn’t even lift it on it’s own strength witch of course instantly woke me in a panic that it had died as the left did years ago. I had to wake properly not just to lift it but to check that it was OK. It has taken a while but apart from being a little swollen, another sign it was out there a long time, it is now almost normal again. Once fully awake, I could see no point in going back to sleep for just another 45 minutes, so up I got. My arms wasn’t the only thing dead, for other reasons best know to it, my left leg wasn’t happy to take my weight, it just kept crumpling although it didn’t feel dead at all. It doesn’t happen that often but when it does I find myself once again wishing I kept my walking stick in the bedroom, rather than in the living room where I have to say I have never had a need for it. Another one of those put it in a logical place items, put it where you spend the most time and most can go wrong. I suppose it wouldn’t matter where I kept it, it will always not be where I need it, sods law again! Being up early today is actually a good thing as I will now have time to sort out more on here than I thought I might, it plays on my mind now if there are loads of things not done, and I can tweak a few of the tasks Adam completed yesterday. LOL

I had another bad night last night, although the pain stayed off everywhere other than my left arm which volunteered for amputation just after 7 last night, but when I got to bed it all kicked off as normal. I can only guess that the initial relaxing process is some kind of trigger, but it is strange that it takes forced relaxing to get rid of it. I will never understand, no matter how long I live, there really is nothing in the word logic that helps here at all.

Today will be a good day, I have decided and I will accept nothing less! Do you hear me body, please just behave yourself for the next 12hours! I know they are planning to phone me before they head over to Glasgow, so once I have everything I want sorted I am then going to lie down until the phone rings. I’m not planning on sleeping, I just want to be rested and at my best, rather than a jabbering wreck, they will see plenty of that later on.

Racing time

Good morning world! It’s Sunday again and for once I am listening to the TV not snoring as Adam is actually asleep in bed not on the settee. There has been no change in my chest, just as clogged up as it has been for the past few days, I have to say that my suspicions about my meds seems to be accurate, I have no chest pain or sore throat as I always remember having in the past so I am at least grateful for that if nothing else, plus I have in the past few days gently moved the time I take my meds in the evening back bit by bit and I do feel better in the mornings. I guess I was right that they are waring off faster than they used too. I remember clearly being able to go 14hrs from one dose to the next but that isn’t happening any longer it is a much tighter window. I will have to phone the ambulance service again on Monday, I hadn’t realised until last night how fast this month was passing me by, I have an appointment at the pain clinic on 20th which I thought was still weeks away then I realised last night that Christmas was days away not weeks. I have a pile of forms to fill in for them as well, so I will have to get on with that rather than just leaving them sitting on my desk with things on top of them. A year ago I would have gone mad at the mess I now put up with on top of my desk, I’m not sure what I thought might happen by ignoring it, but it didn’t go away that is for sure.

I am still in two minds about this pain clinic thing, I have heard so many negative reports as to what they can do to help and I have no idea short of more meds how they think they are going to change things for me. I have no faith in any therapy or relaxation systems, over the years when I had no diagnosis, I tried a lot of things and not one of them helped in the slightest. I am only going because the nurse said one thing that clicked and made me think it was a good idea and that is that most GP’s are reluctant to prescribe strong meds, but if a consultant prescribes they will go ahead with it. I am hoping as well that they may actually know of other meds that may be my GP isn’t so aware of as he doesn’t really deal with MS, fibro and so on that often. I don’t want to be drugged up with meds that make me fuzzy or make me sleep all the time but I do want to be able to live without pain beyond reasonable. It’s a little odd to measure that for someone who doesn’t live with constant pain, but there are levels that are livable, as I am under no illusion that I will ever be totally free of it, the damage done is too vast for that, just better relief is what am really looking for.

Teressa has now changed here wedding date from January to March, I wasn’t that surprised that they had to move it as no Government department moves that fast. Jon is still waiting for the immigration dep to OK his fiance visa, although both of them are still hoping that he will be here for January, it was more that they realised that with people coming here from all round the world, who have to arrange travel and accommodation that it was all getting too close with no guarantees. I already have 2 wedding invitations from them so I expect this will mean a third to follow soon. Luckily when Teressa booked everything she was very upfront about that the date may need to be flexible so none are charging her any more than she has already paid. It may not all be going to the plan that they dreamed would just open out perfectly but it proves I would think to the departments concerned that they are seriously in love and not just trying to get him into the country. From what Teressa has said to me there is even a chance now that he could have a job at Sega UK, completing the circle as it was at Sega US that they met originally. I still haven’t really settled in my mind that she is now living here in the UK again as she has lived abroad for so long it just seemed the natural place for her to be. When ever she phones I have that flash of what on earth is this costing, as she calls on her mobile and then I remember again that she is in London, just a few miles away compared from the thousands that used to be between us. She is hoping to come to Glasgow in January this time with Jon, so that she can introduce him to everyone, it will be a really strange thing for me as I have never in her entire life met any of her boyfriends, nor did I ever meet her first husband. I hope this visit happens when she has it in her mind to be but we will see, I have though totally come to terms with not being at her wedding, as much as I would like to, it is just all too much.

A great day

I had a really great day with Teressa yesterday and like a lot of things in life, it was over all too quickly. My guesstimate on the time she would actually arrive was almost spot on, so I managed to have all that I wanted to do before the doorbell rang. As always when she came through the door I had my normal reaction to her height, it doesn’t seem to matter how often I see her as an adult I will never get used to the fact that she is so tall, which kind of makes her childhood nickname of ‘midget’ all the more ironic.

We spent the first couple of hours talking about my health and her wedding which I, of course, have loads of things that I can’t write in her yet. The actual date seems to be the thing that is holding back on completion of the day, until all the paperwork is in order in the US and here in the UK for John to return here on the correct visa, that can’t be set, they hope to know by the end of this month if the present date of the Jan 24th will actually be the day, or if it all has to be changed. She has managed to arrange most of it with the elastic date, the venue has even been happy to allow for this but if it has to be changed, they will probably have to go with the day the venue has available more than the date the want it to be, but they are happy to go with that. I wish I could put more in here about the plans but well secrets are all part of planning a wedding, all I will say is that not just because she is my daughter but because it is true, she is going to look amazing on her wedding day as she had brought some picture to show me.

We, of course, spoke about her fiance John, but I realised later that I had actually not asked one of the questions I expect most parents would have about him. I really didn’t ask about his background or work or any of those things and it wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, it was simply because none of those things mean anything to me, I just wanted to see in my daughter’s eyes that she loved him as much as I thought she did and that she was sure about what she was about to do, those questions were answered without being asked. When you see your own child happy and set with confidence on their chosen route what more can any parent ask, her happiness shone from her. The afternoon was a total mix of general chat and silences as I lost track, again and again, I found myself constantly apologising and Teressa spent just as much time telling me not to. It is really hard even though she is my daughter to not apologise to someone who you know isn’t used to being around you for long periods of time.

At about 4:30 I suggested we had a gin and tonic, yes I needed a little Dutch courage which as I expected was found about half way down the glass. I was as I suspected right, not totally, but yes she had returned to the UK as she was worried that something might happen to me and she wouldn’t be here, close enough to come and see me. The discussion circled through different areas but her words were as filled with feeling as mine were, I already knew that part of her return here was because of the job offer from Sega UK. Almost as soon as they made her redundant in the US they offered her a promotion and all travel expenses to come to the UK, but I also knew she had been thinking of coming home before that offer was made. My health had had a bearing on her decision to accept the offer, I am still not sure how to feel about that, honored is probably the closest description, but I made her promise me that should any opportunity arise in the future that she isn’t to consider me above what it offers as I want her to live her life to the fullest, as well you never know when something can change so dramatically that you might not be able to do it later.

By the time Adam came home the tears were cleared and we had said what we both needed to say as I wasn’t the only one who had things that needed to be said, she had many things she needed to confirm to me and I suppose explain her feelings. It isn’t often in life that we take the time to go into difficult things to talk about, but it is I think good to do so rather than just let them stay silent. The impact of MS is so cruel on those around you, and the only regret I have in my life is one I can never change and that is the impact on those around you. It also leaves me with a guilt that I will never be able to stop feeling for the knock on effect is uncontrollable, as I said to Teressa yesterday in some ways for me it is harder to watch the lives of other being changed around me than it is to live with it at times.

We spent the last few hours the three of us talking again about the wedding and enjoying a now rare treat of a Chinese meal, which I paid for later in the stomach cramps from hell as I was trying to go to sleep. I made it through yesterday without an afternoon sleep, but I have to admit to being over tired today. Just as going out has a knock on effect, so does having a visitor regardless of how welcome they are. I was glad that Adam come home when he did as I could relax more, not feeling that I had to talk all the time and he supplied me with gaps to compile my thoughts slower before speaking. We had a really good day and I was sorry when she had to go but there was an hour long train journey until she was back to where she was staying. I didn’t go to bed the second she went as I wanted to also spend sometime’s with my husband and talk through the day, but about an hour later I went to my bed. Today, well I am really glad I asked what I needed to know and I am at peace with the answers as well.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 02/11/2012 – A great day

I had a really great day with Teressa yesterday and like a lot of things in life, it was over all too quickly. My guesstimate on the time she would actually arrive was almost spot on, so I managed to have all that I wanted to do before the doorbell rang. As always when she came through the door I had my normal reaction……

A wedding to plan

I start today with some good news, you may remember that my daughter Teressa returned to the UK just a few weeks ago and her partner wasn’t allowed in and had to go back to the US, telling the truth caused them a lot of pain and they have done what they can to get back together with little luck. Being forced apart like this has though done little other than to make them realise just how much they do love each other and they are now engaged, the wedding is planned to be in either November or December, they hope it can be in the UK as John is going to apply for a fancies visa, so fingers crossed they will get what they have always wanted to just be together. Teressa phoned me last night to tell me before anyone else her news, like me this will be her second marriage and like mine I hope it will be her last. This time round she is going for the wedding dress and all the other timings, her first marriage took place just 5 days after her arriving in the US to see her then boyfriend, unlike now, neither of them had any money so there wasn’t even a new outfit, she married in jeans and T-shirt, they were happy for a short time but in many ways it was doomed to go wrong as they had very different values and could accept them, this time she and John have been living together for a year and they have known each other a lot longer. I was very touched by something she said and that she is already planned to find someone who can film it all on a web cam so that although I can’t be there I can see it all live at the same time. For this to have already entered her head far less her plans is so touching I don’t really have words for it, it has left me a little stunned.

It is major events like this that really leave me cursing my MS, I should be there, watching myself supporting her just as she supported me on my wedding day to Adam. I have made a life within what I can manage but to not be able to see your only daughter on her wedding day is out with anything that I can manage, especially with all the traveling, just getting to London would wipe me out for days, the day several days more and the journey home even more. It isn’t a real possibility just a dream that Teressa is already working on solving. No matter how positive a person you are there will always be hurdles that will destroy your ordered comfortable world by adding longing for something that can’t happen. I have for many years now tussled with this dilemma of major life time events that I am now excluded from regardless of whether I want to be there or not, I can’t.

I know I am lucky that it is only major events and not daily ones that effects me this way, as I am sure that it is those who feel it for daily things, like work, shopping, cinema or whatever are the ones who find chronic illness and being housebound unbearable. I wish there was a formula that I could put together to help them but I think it is something that is within me as a person, not just something I have created, that gives me that base to work around and build on. I can’t really imagine feeling like this everyday, about everything, I will with this sort it into part of my mind where I can build a productive shell to it and I do this with all events, spin was something I learned at work, I spent many hours looking for and adding a positive spin to figures, there is always a positive to find, already I am seeing one if it can bed done as Teressa has friends all around the world so if it is streamed on line it will mean all of them and not just me, will also be able to watch. It will also form a wedding video for them so the positives are starting to build already, give me time I will find many more believe me.